Blech

I am depressed.

I go through these phases approximately once every three to four months, where I am really sad and angry and I miss my mom like crazy. This "phase" has been going on a bit longer than they usually last, and I am becoming a much crankier and much less sunny version of my normal self. I must admit that since my mom got sick and died I have become different in a lot of ways, but I find myself fixating on the negative changes. I am less tolerant of people, I am less open about my feelings with people I don't know, and I tend to try not to talk about things that are bothering me, for fear of a total breakdown. I worry a lot that because I miss my mom so much and I am sad about it a lot that it is making me a bit difficult to deal with (AKA an enormous bitch). Is this normal? Yes, of course it is, or so I like to tell myself. I just cannot imagine a person dealing with the death of their mother and not having similar feelings. This isn't something that you can get over in a month or two, it is something that sticks with you every day for the rest of your life. I am not trying to dwell or feel sorry for myself, this is just how it is. I have been in a slump for a while now, and my poor husband has to deal with it on a daily basis, when he has his own stresses to deal with and pressure to finish his PhD. He's pretty amazing. My best friend has been amazing too- it's really funny how she can just sense when I am extra needy for support from her. Quite a feat-- from 5,000 miles away. I worry a lot that my friends will judge me for being less tolerant and sometimes emotionally needy, but that is a senseless thing to worry about. People who are your true friends would never judge you, especially when they know all of the little peices that make you who you are. I guess you just keep going, hoping for the best and trying not to take out your frustrations on innocent bystanders. Trust that your family and friends are there to listen and support you, but don't over burden them with too much sadness, as they have their own shit to deal with too. Everyone looks at the world through their own little window. Sometimes your window has some smudges on it. It has to rain eventually.