Getting rid of the ugly images

Unfortunately, when you are there with someone when or right after they die, you will be left with an indelible image in your mind of them as a dead person. I am not sure if there is a scientific process for removing these images (ha), but until someone comes up with one, you are stuck with what is in your head. Sometimes, the image of my mother right after she died (and even worse, her body under a sheet on a stretcher on the way out of the house) comes creeping back into my mind, rendering me helpless but to relive those horrors. The day she died, she was on a breathing machine of sorts, and because she died with her mouth open, her jaw was stuck open; agape, as if she was yelling. It was awful. The poor, helpless nurse kept apologizing to us that she couldn't do anything about her jaw.

As if losing a loved one isn't bad enough, having that type of picture of them in your mind is something awful to have to remember. When I watch episodes of Law and Order, they always show a person in the morgue identifying their loved one, and I often wonder why they usually show the relative acting in such a subdued manner. A few tears, yes, but usually they are pretty strong while staring at their GSW-ed child/mother/father/sister on a cold slab. Maybe it is because they aren't showing the person two years later picturing the dead relative in their mind.

So the question is, what do you do with these images? You can't get rid of them. Forgive the cheesy reference, but there is a scene in one of the Harry Potter books where the kids are taught to try to picture something funny in the place of something scary in order to be able to conquer it. Believe it or not, this method works in other places, although probably also in teenage magic. After a while of struggling with my horrific memories, I decided that I was going to take control of the images in my head. When I started to think about my mom as a dead person, I forced myself to remember something funny about her. This was an easy task for me, because my mother was hilarious and was always doing rediculous things to make me laugh. It's all about making a conscious effort to control your memories and relate your sad memories to happy ones. Maybe, hopefully, one day the happy memories will join forces and defeat the sad ones. If you are having the same issue that I was with sad and scary pictures in your head, try my method. It may take some practice, but it really works.

Adoption

When you lose a parent, something that may or may not cross through your mind once or twice is adoption. I don't mean adopting a child for yourself, I mean trying to adopt someone to take the place of your lost parent. I've come across this issue on many occasions. I have considered my friends' mothers, my own mother-in-law, various female relatives, and many random strangers that I have come across in my daily life. I find that the moments when I feel the need to "adopt-a-mom" the most is when I am having a dilemma that would have been otherwise solved by my mother. Most of these dilemmas revolve around sewing, cooking, and family drama. I often find myself peering down the aisles in the fabric store, keeping my eye out for a new mom. I don't, of course, literally mean that I am searching for a new mom, because everyone knows that no one can ever replace your mother. I miss my mother every day. Sometimes in ways that I wouldn't even consider "missing" someone. There is just a constant reminder in my life that something is not the way it is supposed to be. It is a difficult thing to just get over too- wanting a new mom. I work in a cafe, and I have a regular customer that meets his mom for coffee every day, and there are days when I wish I could go and join them and have her give me advice and be a shoulder to lean on. I feel intense jealousy for my friends when they tell me that they just spent the day shopping with their mom, or went home for the weekend and spent quality time with their mom. It is something that I wish I didn't feel, but I can't help it. Feeling these feelings is normal, and the deal with dealing with death is that you have to become accustomed to your new sense of normal, whether you like it or not. You have to adjust, and you have to let yourself regress once in a while. It's okay.