More on Writing

Writing is good for the soul. There is even a college major dedicated to writing for catharsis and teaching other people to write for cathartic reasons. People spend their lives writing in journals that they know nobody will ever read, just because it feels good to get their thoughts out onto paper. I used to fill journals with all of my deepest thoughts, my worries, my tiny everyday happinesses. If it feels good, write.

If you miss someone, one of the best ways to deal with those feelings of loss is to write about the person. Or, write to that person. I mentioned in a previous post that I used to write letters to my mother detailing all of the things I would have told her had she been alive. Write lists- lists of places you could go together, books that person would like to read, foods they might like, etc. My mom was a great cook, and my friend Molly had a blog dedicated to recipes, and my mom would have loved to read about what new recipes Molly is coming up with. Write about things you remember that you did together. "I'll never forget the time we had a picnic in the Weis Markets parking lot when you locked the keys in the car..." Write about things that you wish you had told them. "I wish I had told you about the first time I tried alcohol and it turned into a big disaster and ou house got egged..." Write about things you miss about the person. "I really miss the way you can think of something good about everyone, and put a positive spin on every situation..." Tell them something you never told them when they were alive. "You'll never believe this, but I am really scared of being a mother..."

Believe me, I know that it sounds silly, but writing to a person that is gone will really help you to feel closer to them. Just find a nice comfy spot to curl up in. I find that I am more apt to write when I have the perfect type of paper and the perfect pen. I like moleskine notebooks of all shapes and sizes and RSVP pens. I wish they had RSVP pens in England! Whatever you use, just sit down and try writing to the person you miss. I promise it will help.

Thing One and Thing Two

People like to keep things that belonged to other people because when they hold that thing close to them, they feel closer to that person. This works whether a person is living or dead. For example, I have a ring that my friend Molly gave me when we graduated high school, and when I wear it I am always flooded with fun memories of us growing up together. It think that it is a really good thing to hold onto certain objects like that. On the other hand, if you become too attached to objects, there can be detrimental emotional effects if you lose or damage the object. I have lots of things that belonged to my mother that make me happy- all of her designer bags, some of her clothes, jewelry, and other less important things. One of my most favorite items is a bracelet that was hers and was engraved by my great grandfather, who was an engraver for the Colt revolver company. He was very talented and the bracelet is incredibly beautiful and special. I was wearing it on Sunday when I fell down a flight of stairs and landed on my wrist, crushing the bracelet. I was furious with myself for being so clumsy and for not protecting this precious item from damage, but I was able to put it into perspective because of a previous experience with being too attached to a material item.

Rewind to two years ago, only a few months after my mom had died... I had been carrying around the photo Christmas card that my mom sent out for Christmas of 2004. I put it inside my planner and looked at it about ten times every day. I love the picture that she picked- it was a family portrait from my brother's wedding the previous summer. We were all smiling and it was a great reminder of how happy we all were before ALS. The best part was what my mom wrote on the back- "What a beautiful group of people we all are!" The message was only funny if you knew my mom, but she was very tongue-in-cheek and not at all self-centered enough to say something like that seriously. One day I opened my planner to make a note and the picture was gone. I frantically searched every page, in my bag, all over the restaurant that I was sitting in, but to no avail. The picture was gone. I was devastated. I had become so used to my rituals of looking at that picture throughout the day and being happy to see my mom, and then it was gone. In true form to myself, I spent the day feeling sad and complained and even cried about it to my husband that night. It wasn't until he brought me back to reality and reminded me that I already lost my real mother once, and that crying about a photo was demonstrating a complete loss of perspective that I calmed down. I decided from that point on that I would enjoy my "mom stuff" but not worry if something happened to a "thing."

When I fell down the stairs and crushed my bracelet, I was sad for destroying something so beautiful, but I was able to separate what is a thing from what is a feeling about someone that you carry inside of you all the time. You don't need a bracelet to remind you of someone you love. You don't need a ring to remind you of being a silly teenager. People are not things. Be sentimental but do not lose perspective.

On Christmas

One last comment on the holiday season, as I have been out of writing mode since before Christmas.

I find it really sad that there is so much emphasis put on how "stressful" and "hard" the holidays are now. Examine the modern movies about Christmas just in the past few years, and the majority of the holiday movies are not about the joy of Christmas, or the excitement that children glean from waiting for Santa, but about how much people want to avoid their families and complain about them. Movies like Surviving Christmas, Four Christmases, The Family Stone, Home for the Holidays, and many many others all emphasize the dysfunctional family and how much people loathe being around their families. Why is it that when people have so much, all they can do is complain about and see the faults in the wonderful things that they have? Where has the Christmas spirit gone? I don't even need to get into consumerism at Christmastime, as it is a vile and rampant problem in our society and everyone knows about it (and contributes to it), myself included.

When you lose a family member, there is perpetually a hole in family gatherings, especially at Christmas. Instead of complaining, watching negative movies, and being a part of the general negativity towards family that our society seems to relish, it is a much healthier solution to embrace what you DO have. When you are sad about the absence of a special person, think of a way in which you can honor that person instead of being sad. Do little things to cheer up other members of your family- often trying to make someone else happy will make you happy yourself. Change up the seating plan around the dining room table. People often sit in the same place at big (and small) family gatherings, and if there is an empty chair where that special person used to sit, it will only be a reminder of what you are missing. Instead, move things around a bit. Change up the routine of the holiday. If your family is like mine, every Christmas day for the last thirty years has followed the exact same routine. When my mom died, we decided that we would change the routine so that the fact that mom wasn't there for Christmas wasn't the only thing that had changed. It helped a lot. Losing an important person means that your life will never be the same, but the fact that the person is gone doesn't have to be looming over you all the time, there are ways to make positivity happen again.