There has been a bit of a lapse since my last entry because I have been thinking about this entry for a while and didn't really know how to say it so that it came out just right. I have now resigned myself to the idea that it probably won't be right at first, but someday when I make this all into a book, I will make it perfect.
I have one more thought on God and the presence or absence of a higher power in my life, and it is because of a special friend of mine. My dad has always said that you will only have four or five true friends in your lifetime if you are really lucky. I am really, really lucky, because I almost lost one of them but we found each other again, and I am not letting go now, or ever.
I met Molly when we were about 11- neither of us can really remember exactly when we went from being bitter rivals to best friends, but it must have been a smooth transition. Through our friendship we helped each other along through the ups and downs of middle school and high school, through finding and letting go of our first loves, and all of the other firsts that come and go in those years. She was more than just a friend to me, she was my family, my insides. She went on family vacations with us and my mom in particular had an extra special fondness for her. Molly is a constant fixture in the story of my life.
When we went away to college, a lot of things changed- we were living on different sides of the country, studying completely different subjects, hanging in completely different circles of friends. In the natural sway of the wind of life, we drifted apart. Both of us resisted this drifting and tried to hang on, but something forced us finally to take a "break" from each other. Our lives moved on in separate directions. It was like I woke up one morning and she just wasn't there. I was devastated. Unfortunately, what I regret most is that I didn't work hard enough- I didn't try to save us, I just glided along on the wind and allowed it to happen. My own immaturity got in the way of having my best friend with me when I graduated from college, planned my wedding, and worst of all, my wedding day. I thought we would never speak to each other again. We were different, our existence as an "us" was gone.
Not long after my wedding, both of us were in attendance at the wedding of one of our mutual best friends. My mother had been very concerned for those two years about the fact that Molly was not in my life anymore, and I remember her crying on the phone to me about it on numerous occasions. Days before the wedding she pleaded with me to patch things up, to try harder, to reach out in some way. I dug way down deep inside and I went up to Molly at the wedding and told her I missed her. We talked and hugged and it was like I had my old Molly back. It was like finding and old teddy bear that you thought had been given away ages ago, and all of the fond memories come flooding back and you are overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia, happiness, and sadness all at once.
The repair of our friendship took a while, but it is now better than ever and I know that she will be a significant part of my life forever. What is it that makes two people who have drifted so far away from each other come back together, and then, to be closer than ever before? Why did my mother continually remind me of someone that I loved when she knew how much it hurt me that we weren't friends anymore?
Fast forward three years- my mother is diagnosed with a terminal illness. My mother, my guiding light in my life, the greatest source of guidance and calm in my life, taken away. My sense of balance and good in the world shattered. Here's where the idea of a possible God comes in for me. If there is a God, could he/it forsee that I was going to need Molly in my life, and know what was ahead for me? Did he know that I wouldn't be able to get through the loss of my mother without such a valuable person in my life? The way these events in my life were woven together in such a significant way leads me to feel that something somewhere must have been looking out for me. Furthermore, after my mother's death, three other extremely important friends from my past became closer than ever to me and each other- are the major events in your life that are involving different people all over the country inextricably linked in a completely random way? IS that really possible? I will talk more about those other three people in a later section about positive outcomes from negative events.
1 comment:
I think perhaps we are leading parallel lives. I went through the same scenario with my friend Kristin- we were the best of friends in high school, that elusive breed of friend that you are perfectly content to do nothing with, content simply to be in a room together- and drifted apart in college. I cringe constantly at the thought that I married without her standing by me. But I did invite her to the wedding, and she did come, and we became the same as ever, and I do not know how I would have survived the summer my parents died without her. She knew me well enough to keep well-meaning visitors at bay, to take them aside and let them know that my odd humor was my way of dealing with trauma. She sat with my children at the funerals. She called old friends and suggested, perhaps, they might like to write me a letter. She was my constant reminder of who I was, so that I could find my way back to being that person. I was lucky. I am lucky.
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