An Argument for God

Although I am a constant questioner of the existence of God, I also have many examples of experiences that I have had that might just make me lean towards the idea of God. Might. I think it is going to take more than one entry to explain them all, so I will attempt to go in chronological order.

In the few weeks preceding my mother's death, we had the world's most depressing Thanksgiving, followed by a depressing lead-up to the world's most depressing Christmas. The day after Christmas was the worst day since my mom had gotten sick. She had had a terrible day with her breathing machine, and her throat kept getting clogged with mucous and we had to suction her way more than the recommended amount in one day. From her perch on the couch she could see everyone milling about, trying our hardest to just make her comfortable, even though her pain was at a 10, and had been for weeks. She had a horrible (I mean, worse than you can even imagine) case of Thrush. If you don't know what Thrush is, you are lucky. She also had Shingles. On top of the disease that was killing her. The night of Dec. 26, my father and my husband took her into her bedroom to use the toilet, and when they did that they always had to take her off of the breathing machine. This was okay because the machine was an assistive machine, she didn't need it completely to breathe. When they were in the bathroom she collapsed and stopped breathing. So to recap, Thrush, Shingles, a pain level of 10, not breathing, dying of a terrible disease, unable to move any part of her body other than her eyelids on her own. The whole family watched the scene in slow motion horror. My husband and father picked her up and ran back to the living room to put her back on the machine. Luckily (luckily?) they made it in time. At that point all we could do was go to bed. When we had her settled in bed finally (the process took about an hour) we all sat around the hospital bed that had been installed in their bedroom and talked to her. She could hear us and understand, but couldn't even make eye contact in response. We all told her how much we loved her, and apologized profusely for how awful her situation was. I went to bed in a haze, going through phases of crying and disbelief that this had all happened.

I am not a person who prays. I don't even know if I believe in God, so praying is a bit silly in that case. That night, I asked God for a favor. I specifically remember saying "You may not even be there, but if you are, I need a big favor." I asked God to let her die. As soon as possible. I didn't think that anyone could stand to see her in so much pain anymore. I don't know what happened, but she died the next morning at about 5AM (nobody is really sure about the exact time).

Maybe God is listening.